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 Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress

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tangerine

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PostSubyek: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Sat Jun 11, 2011 11:04 pm

Everyone is able to post other jokes that he/she thinks is funny.

Please open the spoiler and give comment if you think the jokes are funny.
Let's Rock 'n LOL

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Terakhir diubah oleh tangerine tanggal Sat Jul 09, 2011 10:02 am, total 14 kali diubah
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tangerine

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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Sat Jun 11, 2011 11:06 pm

Jokes From Members

BojepJoe:
 

fritz:
 

Mr.3D:
 


Terakhir diubah oleh tangerine tanggal Thu Jun 30, 2011 11:10 pm, total 10 kali diubah
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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Sun Jun 12, 2011 12:04 pm

Smoker put downs Very Happy

Do Gooder: smokers die younger (15 years earlier some statistics have it at, life expectancy in the UK is 75 for males so ill be ready for my wooden overcoat by the time im 60)
Smoker: if i didnt smoke what do you rekon id do in those remaining 15 years of my life that i hadnt managed to do in the first 60.

Do Gooder: You know smoking takes 5 minutes off your life?
Smoker: Yeah, but i know it takes me 6 minutes to smoke, so im actually gaining a minute with each cig.

Do Gooder:You should just quit.
Smoker:Quit?!! But I'm so close to the end!

Do Gooder: Hey Kid, you're pretty young. You know smokings bad for you right?
Me: Well, my Grandfather lived to be 104 years old.
Do Gooder: Was he a smoker?
Me: Nah, but he use to mind his own f#$%ing business.

two old men are sat in a retirement home looking out of the window on a rainy day, one says to the other, you know, if we'd have smoked more cigarettes, drank more alcohol, and slept with more women...we'd of missed all this. Very Happy
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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Sun Jun 12, 2011 1:30 pm

BojepJoe wrote:
Smoker put downs

Do Gooder: smokers die younger (15 years earlier some statistics have it at, life expectancy in the UK is 75 for males so ill be ready for my wooden overcoat by the time im 60)
Smoker: if i didnt smoke what do you rekon id do in those remaining 15 years of my life that i hadnt managed to do in the first 60.

Do Gooder: You know smoking takes 5 minutes off your life?
Smoker: Yeah, but i know it takes me 6 minutes to smoke, so im actually gaining a minute with each cig.

Do Gooder:You should just quit.
Smoker:Quit?!! But I'm so close to the end!

Do Gooder: Hey Kid, you're pretty young. You know smokings bad for you right?
Me: Well, my Grandfather lived to be 104 years old.
Do Gooder: Was he a smoker?
Me: Nah, but he use to mind his own f#$%ing business.

two old men are sat in a retirement home looking out of the window on a rainy day, one says to the other, you know, if we'd have smoked more cigarettes, drank more alcohol, and slept with more women...we'd of missed all this.

hohoho.. nice one dude.. will quote your jokes to the second post.
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admin
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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Sun Jun 12, 2011 3:42 pm

nice joke
i dont know if bojepjoe, have a sense of humour :P hehehe
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BojepJoe

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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Sun Jun 12, 2011 5:55 pm

admin wrote:
nice joke
i dont know if bojepjoe, have a sense of humour :P hehehe

damn kwang, i take it as personal insult. haha. Very Happy Very Happy
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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Sun Jun 12, 2011 7:35 pm

don really like western joke....it's pretty hard to adapt^^

_________________


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tangerine

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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Sun Jun 12, 2011 9:09 pm

Mr.3D wrote:
don really like western joke....it's pretty hard to adapt^^

hoho.. yeah, sometimes it hard to understand as the culture is different. it also depends on everyone's taste on the jokes.

i always try to give the easily-understood jokes. check out the latest dude..
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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Sun Jun 12, 2011 9:32 pm

FYI
it's also depend on our HQ ...

if you want to know ' what is HQ ' clik the spoiler

Spoiler:
 
which is HQ is directly proportional with IQ hahahha
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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Mon Jun 13, 2011 1:59 am

MINE ^^ i love jokes

This is a transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US Naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

US SHIP: Divert your course 0.5 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

CANADIAN REPLY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US SHIP: This is the Captain of the US Navy Ship! I say again, divert YOUR course!

CANADIAN REPLY: No, I say again, divert YOUR course!

US SHIP: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS NIMITZ!! WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY!! DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!!

CANADIAN REPLY: This is a lighthouse! Your call.

the lesson is don't be so f.... cocky or overconfideny Smile Smile Smile
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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Mon Jun 13, 2011 2:02 am

the following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the university of copenhagen:

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied:

"You tie along piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The lenght of the string plus the lenght of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.
The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer that showed at least minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence , forhead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H=0,5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.

Or on a sunny day you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the lenght of its shadow. Then you measure the lenght of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.

But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in gravitational restoring force T=2pi sqr root (l/g).

Or if the skyscaper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lenghts, then add them up.

If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it , of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convertthe difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.

But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, i will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Noble Prize for physics.
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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Mon Jun 13, 2011 9:25 am

lol... the first one really got me there.. the second one is also good, though it is a bit too long.. attached to the 2nd post.. :)
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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Mon Jun 13, 2011 5:27 pm

keep posting guys. it's hilarious Very Happy
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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Mon Jun 13, 2011 7:17 pm

Sometimes St. Peter is bored while guarding the gates of heaven, so he asks the incoming souls about their life and death.
One Day a man showed up and St. Peter asks him: "You are way too young to be here. How did you died?"
The man answered:
"Well I am a painter and today I painted a balcony on the 9th floor of a skyscraper. I lost my footing but stoped my fall on the 8th floor by gripping the balustrade. I cried for help and a man stepped out on the balcony but instead of rescuing me he stomped on my fingers. I have to let go and crashed. I layd on the ground, my limbs all broken, but still alive. But the man on the 8th floor droped a frigde on me - so I died."

"Well you poor soul, that's a bizarre story. Now come in and rest a bit."

The next soul stepped in front of St. Peter and he said: "Well, tell me how you died."
The man answered:
"I'm a married man and I was suspicious of my wife betraying me. Today I came home before lunchtime and as soon as I stepped in I smelled another man in our flat. I searched the bedroom and the warddrobe, the living room and then the balcony because I heard someone calling for help. We live on the 8th floor and this idiot hung on the balustrade. I was so enraged I stomped on his fingers so he had to let go. I fell all the eight floors but was not dead, so I heaved the fridge from the kitchen and drop it over the balustrade to kill him. Well, unfortunately I got a heart attack because of this and so I'm here."

"Well, you've been a bad man, although your wife betrayed you. You will probably go to hell. But wait a bit, here comes another one. Tell me how you died!"

The third man started.
"I'm loving a married woman and today her husband turned up too early. I had to hide somewhere, but not in the wardrobe- this is too obvious. So I thought 'Ronny, go and hide in the fridge'...
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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Mon Jun 13, 2011 7:37 pm

I hated it when my old aunties used to poke and prod me on weddings saying , you're next.

However they stopped, when I started doing the same to them at funerals.
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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Mon Jun 13, 2011 7:52 pm

yeah now i know why chris martin said st.peter wont call his name. Very Happy
i found the same joke but a lil bit different. check this
Spoiler:
 

got another one. Very Happy

There was a knock on the door this morning.

I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:

"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

I said "Well, come in and sit down."

I offered him coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the sh*t out of me, I've never gotten this far before. " Very Happy
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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Tue Jun 14, 2011 12:34 am

nice one guys.. hoho.. thanks for contributing.. keep posting.. :))
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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Thu Jun 16, 2011 10:37 am

updated. jokes for two days straight.
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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Thu Jun 16, 2011 5:39 pm

Very Happy
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.

So he decides to try it out at dinner.

Dad asks his son, "Where were you today during school?"

The son says, "At school." The Robot slaps son. "Ok, I went to the movies. "

Dad says, "Which one? "

The son says, "Toy Story." Robot slaps son again. "Ok, it was 'A Day with a Porn Star'."

"Dad says, "WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was." Robot slaps dad.

Mom says, "HAHA!! After all he is your son." Robot slaps mom
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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Thu Jun 16, 2011 7:03 pm

BojepJoe wrote:

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.

So he decides to try it out at dinner.

Dad asks his son, "Where were you today during school?"

The son says, "At school." The Robot slaps son. "Ok, I went to the movies. "

Dad says, "Which one? "

The son says, "Toy Story." Robot slaps son again. "Ok, it was 'A Day with a Porn Star'."

"Dad says, "WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was." Robot slaps dad.

Mom says, "HAHA!! After all he is your son." Robot slaps mom

LOL.. haha.. really funny bro..
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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Mon Jun 20, 2011 5:29 pm

3 Shots of Tequila
A guy walks into a bar, whch happens to be at the top of a 20 story building. He sits down next to this other guy, who has 3 shots of Tequila in front of him. They exchange hello's, and in a lil bit, the other guy takes a deep breath, slams the 3 shots, and jumps out the window of the bar.

The other guy can't believe it! "What the hell was that?" He goes back to his drinking.

About 5 minutes later, the jumper comes back in, sits down at the bar, and says, "Bartender, 3 more shots of Tequila."

The Bartender lines them up. After a few minutes, he takes a deep breath again, slams all 3 shots, and jumps out the window!

The other guy says, " Oh WTF is this?!?!"

He asks the bartender, but the bartender just says he's been doing that all day.

5 minutes later, the guy comes back up.

"Bartender, 3 more..."

Guy 2 says,
"WHOAWHOAWHOA, hold on a minute! What the hell are you doing???"

Guy 1 says, "Oh it's totally awesome. You take a deep breath, do 3 shots of Tequila to relax you and take your mind off the ground, jump out the window. The wind shear off the side of the building will keep you afloat, and you coast down to the ground, landing on your feet. Try it. It's awesome!!!"

so guy 2 says, "Oh I gotta try this. Bartender, 3 shots of Tequila."

Bartender lines them up.

Guy 2 is pretty nervous tho, and Guy 1 reassures him it's safe.

Finally guy 2 says, "ok, here goes"

Takes a deep breath,
does the 3 shots of Tequila,
jumps out the window,
and crashes on the ground to his death.

The bartender says, "You know, Superman, you're a real a$$hole when you're drunk."
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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Mon Jun 20, 2011 10:34 pm

hahaha.. nice one.. very funny dude..
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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Mon Jun 20, 2011 11:36 pm

updated guys.. from 18 - 21 June.. more hilarious than before.. enjoy..
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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Tue Jun 21, 2011 7:57 pm

Maybe u all will like this joke:
check this out



and this one :

_________________


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PostSubyek: Re: Funny English Jokes to relieve the stress   Tue Jun 21, 2011 11:36 pm

don't really get the idea of those joke bro. confuse about which scene is the starter.. but i'll post it to second post anyway. thanks for the contribution.. :)
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