A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6’5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, “What starting salary were you thinking about?”

The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard
on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be
careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his
sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car."

A murderer sitting on the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have
you any last request?" asked the chaplain. "Yes" replied the
murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

Boyfriend: Why didn't you give me anything for my birthday?
Girlfriend: You told me to surprise you.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, and then spoke. “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”

Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class.

Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.

Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teacher singled him out.

"If I gave you $20," the teacher began," and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.

Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not!
Boy: Good, cause I didn't do my homework.

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and
said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for
a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with beautiful tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere".

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond
cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and
his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking
him up, he asks: "Why in the
world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the
road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome
with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me
to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks
me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties
and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed
and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to downtown cowboy ...'.
And here I am."

Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple
fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"

Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."

Pupil ( On Phone) : My son has a bad cold and will not be able to come to the school.
School Secretary : Who is on the phone ?Pupil : This is my father speaking...

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "oh, really?
What was the question?"
Son: "who threw the eraser at the principal?"

Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class.
Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.

Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Class: Hooray!
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon.

A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them.

Despondent, he said to the sergeant, I think I'll just go and shoot myself.

The sergeant said, Better take a couple of extra bullets!

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me anymore....."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I"
Little Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am"
Little Johnny: "All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!
teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark i could give you!

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good
news: "Honey, we've finally got enough money to buy what we started
saving for in 1979." "You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.
"No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

Moe: My wife converted me to religion.
Joe: Really?
Moe: Yes. Until I married her, I didn't believe in hell.

Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?"

After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?

A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years."

Q: What do you get when you breed a Bulldog and a Shitzu together?

A: Bullshit

Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying.

"Why are you crying?" asked the other child.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."

When he heard this, the other child started to cry.

"Why are you crying?"

"I'm here for a urine test."

Dear John,

I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary


PS. Congratulations on winning the lottery.

Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds are there in a year?
Student: There are twelve. 2nd January, 2nd February, 2nd March, .......!

The teacher asked Mary, “If you had seven cookies
and David asked you for three, how many cookies would you have left?”
Mary immediately answered, “Seven!”

The teacher was puzzled and asked “Why seven?”

“You really think I would give David any of my cookies?”

#1
Do Gooder: smokers die younger (15 years earlier some statistics have it
at, life expectancy in the UK is 75 for males so ill be ready for my
wooden overcoat by the time im 60)
Smoker: if i didnt smoke what do
you rekon id do in those remaining 15 years of my life that i hadnt
managed to do in the first 60.

#2
Do Gooder: You know smoking takes 5 minutes off your life?
Smoker: Yeah, but i know it takes me 6 minutes to smoke, so im actually gaining a minute with each cig.

#3
Do Gooder:You should just quit.
Smoker:Quit?!! But I'm so close to the end!

#4
Do Gooder: Hey Kid, you're pretty young. You know smokings bad for you right?
Me: Well, my Grandfather lived to be 104 years old.
Do Gooder: Was he a smoker?
Me: Nah, but he use to mind his own f#$%ing business.

#5
two old men are sat in a retirement home looking out of the window on a rainy day, one says to the other, you know, if we'd have smoked more cigarettes, drank more alcohol, and slept with more women...we'd of missed all this.

#6
There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
I said "Well, come in and sit down."
I offered him coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Beats the sh*t out of me, I've never gotten this far before."

#7
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.
So he decides to try it out at dinner.
Dad asks his son, "Where were you today during school?"
The son says, "At school." The Robot slaps son. "Ok, I went to the movies."
Dad says, "Which one? "
The son says, "Toy Story." Robot slaps son again. "Ok, it was 'A Day with a Porn Star'."
"Dad says, "WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was." Robot slaps dad.
Mom says, "HAHA!! After all he is your son." Robot slaps mom

#1
This is a transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US Naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
US SHIP: Divert your course 0.5 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
CANADIAN REPLY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
US SHIP: This is the Captain of the US Navy Ship! I say again, divert YOUR course!
CANADIAN REPLY: No, I say again, divert YOUR course!
US SHIP: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS NIMITZ!! WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY!! DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!!
CANADIAN REPLY: This is a lighthouse! Your call.

#2
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the university of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."
One student replied:
"You tie along piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.
The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer that showed at least minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forhead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows: "Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H=0,5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.
Or on a sunny day you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.
But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in gravitational restoring force T=2pi sqr root (l/g).
Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.
If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it , of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.
But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, i will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Noble Prize for physics.

#3
Sometimes St. Peter is bored while guarding the gates of heaven, so he asks the incoming souls about their life and death.
One Day a man showed up and St. Peter asks him: "You are way too young to be here. How did you died?"
The man answered:
"Well I am a painter and today I painted a balcony on the 9th floor of a skyscraper. I lost my footing but stoped my fall on the 8th floor by gripping the balustrade. I cried for help and a man stepped out on the balcony but instead of rescuing me he stomped on my fingers. I have to let go and crashed. I layd on the ground, my limbs all broken, but still alive. But the man on the 8th floor dropped a fridge on me - so I died."

"Well you poor soul, that's a bizarre story. Now come in and rest a bit." The next soul stepped in front of St. Peter and he said: "Well, tell me how you died."

The man answered:
"I'm a married man and I was suspicious of my wife betraying me. Today I came home before lunchtime and as soon as I stepped in I smelled another man in our flat. I searched the bedroom and the wardrobe, the living room and then the balcony because I heard someone calling for help. We live on the 8th floor and this idiot hung on the balustrade. I was so enraged I stomped on his fingers so he had to let go. I fell all the eight floors but was not dead, so I heaved the fridge from the kitchen and drop it over the balustrade to kill him. Well, unfortunately I got a heart attack because of this and so I'm here."

"Well, you've been a bad man, although your wife betrayed you. You will probably go to hell. But wait a bit, here comes another one. Tell me how you died!"

The third man started. "I'm loving a married woman and today her husband turned up too early. I had to hide somewhere, but not in the wardrobe- this is too obvious. So I thought 'Ronny, go and hide in the fridge'.

#4
I hated it when my old aunties used to poke and prod me on weddings saying , you're next.
However they stopped, when I started doing the same to them at funerals.

#5
A guy walks into a bar, whch happens to be at the
top of a 20 story building. He sits down next to this other guy, who has
3 shots of Tequila in front of him. They exchange hello's, and in a lil
bit, the other guy takes a deep breath, slams the 3 shots, and jumps
out the window of the bar.
The other guy can't believe it! "What the hell was that?" He goes back to his drinking.
About 5 minutes later, the jumper comes back in, sits down at the bar, and says, "Bartender, 3 more shots of Tequila."
The Bartender lines them up. After a few minutes, he takes a deep breath again, slams all 3 shots, and jumps out the window!
The other guy says, "Oh WTF is this?!?!"
He asks the bartender, but the bartender just says he's been doing that all day.
5 minutes later, the guy comes back up.
"Bartender, 3 more..."
Guy 2 says, "WHOAWHOAWHOA, hold on a minute! What the hell are you doing???"
Guy 1 says, "Oh it's totally awesome. You take a deep breath, do 3 shots of
Tequila to relax you and take your mind off the ground, jump out the window. The wind shear off the side of the building will keep you afloat, and you coast down to the ground, landing on your feet. Try it.
It's awesome!!!"
So guy 2 says, "Oh I gotta try this. Bartender, 3 shots of Tequila."
Bartender lines them up.
Guy 2 is pretty nervous tho, and Guy 1 reassures him it's safe.
Finally guy 2 says, "ok, here goes"
Takes a deep breath, does the 3 shots of Tequila, jumps out the window, and crashes on the ground to his death.
The bartender says, "You know, Superman, you're a real a$$hole when you're drunk."

#6
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
Me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
Started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
The table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
Her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
Nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .. .

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

#7
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor askes her what had happened.

She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.

"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."

"The bastard called again"

#8
My wife looked in the mirror and said: "I am looking fat, old and ugly. Please, give me a compliment, I really need it."
I said: "Your eyes work perfectly."

#9
James bond was on a top secret mission. He had to break into the house
of a suspect. Once inside he started searching but he saw two scary eyes
in the dark. They asked:
– Who are you?
– My name is Bond, James Bond. And you?
– My name is Bull, Pitbull.

#1


#2

Humour quotient

Three guys died and went to heaven. St. Peter greeted them at the pearly gates. "Hello newcomers. Today, we're only allowing people in who have died a very horrible death. Please describe how you died and I will decide whether or not you may enter." The first man stepped up.

"Well, I got off work early today. However, when I got home, my wife appeared to be acting guilty. I thought she might be cheating on me, so I ran out to the balcony of our apartment. Sure enough, there was a man hanging from it. I grabbed a rock and bashed his fingers until he let go and fell. Much to my disappointment, he landed in the bushes, still alive. In a fit of rage, I ran back inside, grabbed the refrigerator and hurled it out the window at him! Unfortunately, while doing so, a blood vessel burst in my brain, killing me almost instantly."

St. Peter thought about the story for a moment. He then opened the pearly gates and said, "Very well. You may enter. Who is next?" The second man then stepped up to tell his story.

"Alright, so it's like this... Every afternoon, I do exercises on my balcony. However, today, I slipped and fell over. Fortunately, my luck held out for me. I was able to grab the balcony below me. Then, this maniac came out of nowhere and started bashing my fingers with a rock! I couldn't hold on anymore. I had to let go. But, my luck still held out. I landed in the bushes, mostly unharmed. Then, this refrigerator came out of nowhere and crushed me to death!"

St. Peter had an awkward expression on his face. He just opened the gates and said, "Alright... you can enter. Uhh, next person!" The third man walked up.

"OK, picture this: I'm sitting naked in a fridge..."